Can Love Happens Twice in Life...

Introduction                      

This is the first time ever I would be expressing my story in writing. I would not like to post and describe the characters as Anonymous since I want my past to be presented transparently. The breakup phase is a bitter experience and it cannot be simplified ever. But if my experience can ever present itself as an empathy or help to any individual, I will be happy to discover that the bitterness has a higher purpose.

#lengthy scribble warning 

Note : This is a real life story...But Place, Name and Time is changed....

How we met?

During @ NIT Trichy

A**** is my first and only girlfriend I had till date. We met in our college in Cuttack. She was an year junior to me. We met on a random day in the college library and became friends. Few months after we met, I took the initiative, kept my cool and did some hard work for few months and then began our years of relationship. The details of how things got materialized are best left for another relevant post.

Honeymoon phase - College life

I spent one of the best 2 years of my life in college. We were both deeply in love. Her house was just a 10 min walk from my home and our college was also a 10 min walk from each others house, in another direction. That was a very big advantage. We were almost always together. We were so used to each other's companionship that when I used to visit my native, there used to be a sudden and big void in both of our lives. We browsed the streets of Cuttack, every nook and corner, just walked holding hands and spent hours under the beautiful shady gardens of City. Life seemed lovely.

Honeymoon phase - Long Distance

In the ending moments of my college life, I moved to NIT Trichy for my higher study. A distance of 2200 kms. In India, this is a huge distance. She was very upset for me having to move away but happy as well since it was a decent opportunity. And hence started the long distance phase of our relationship which lasted an year. I was told by friends and read around that long distance relationship does not work, so I made it a point to be an exception to this trend. I managed my Study life and leaves in a way that I was able to make 2 visits in one calendar year.  Also there was not much phone connection nor much connectivity.
But still during my 2nd year of study i felt some odd.I feel someones ignorance slowly.Mean time i was much busy with my study but Long duration phone calls, letters, emails and frequent visits, long distance was just a definition. Couple of times, I did not notify her of my visit to Cuttack and would show up on her door suddenly, unannounced. Her face used to fill up with utter excitement and I used to relish the expression. I was the perfect boyfriend, she used to say. I was proud of myself as well. It was lovely.

We had our share of little misunderstandings as evident in every practical relations, but we were "happy". Our marriage was an obvious event. She wasn't very bright individual or utterly beautiful, but I was contended and fond of her. I am a good human, career concerned and foresighted and she was fond of it. Few months into my career, while she was in her final year of college, we started talking about marriage seriously. I was already close to her family but in the subsequent visits I made to see her, I tried to get closer to her family, to her mother, who was in hospital. They liked me as well. I was a welcome guest. 

Few weeks before her college ended, she got placed in a good company with joining in Delhi . I started preparing myself for my first career switch and got placement at IBM Bangalore.

In my second last visit to Cuttack, I decided to introduce her to my family. I was from a traditional middle class family and love marriage was kinda strict, but I decided to take the risks and introduce her - it was time. My family was on a visit to Cuttack at that time. It was a ripe moment. We decided the day, the date, the restaurant for the meet. What she should wear? What she should do? What she should not do?  We planned everything. Our moment of truth was near. Her birthday was close too.

The problem

She did not have many friends in college. So, after I left college and went for work, she was kinda alone, without much company. I was not a typical boyfriend who would stalk her mails or orkut profile, suspect her of anything, or do any funny business. I had full faith on her. She too shared the details of any events happening with her, any new people she met or anything. Our communication was transparent. It was lovely. Couple of weeks before I was supposed to come to Cuttack to introduce her to my family, she mentioned a guy she had started communicating with. She used to blabber some stuffs. I was least bothered and kept myself occupied with the family rendezvous and any subsequent backlashes from family. In fact, I was working on some random plan B.

A few before our rendezvous, I noticed a sudden change in her voice. It was already 3.5 years into our relation and I knew her through and through. The change in voice and response style was too intimidating to ignore. I started panicking. One day I discussed my observations with her and she immediately corrected me saying it was nothing and I should not be bothered. I though I was over-reacting and unnecessarily suspecting my dear wife.( Yes, that's what I had started calling her by then). But deep inside my heart, I knew something was not right. Something heavy was happening. I used to ponder over and over again.

A week before our family rendezvous, a day before her birthday. She called me over and asked me to come over skype. She looked undecided. I asked her the problem. She was silent for a long time and then in the faintest of her voices, she replied, " I am in love with the guy"

Denial

I was crestfallen. My heart did not want to believe what she was saying but my mind knew she was telling the truth. It was an agonizing night where I found myself repeatedly asking her if I had made any mistake or I went wrong somewhere. I was in no position to accept what she said. This went on for a long time that night. Frequently I found myself covered in tears. The night seemed to last forever. She was gone, forever.

I woke up the next day early morning and for a moment thought it was a bad dream. But I saw my laptop kept open, the webcam attached and the skype still logged in, and knew the bad dream is indeed a reality. I made up my mind to visit Cuttack on that day itself. It was her birthday as well. I thought of giving it another shot. I went to office for a face to face discussion with my TL, explained her of an ugent situation and showed her the flight tickets. I left out the details. She was kind and granted me the leave. I took off for Cuttack.

I reached Cuttack by late noon. I called her up from the airport and engaged her in conversation while sitting on the bus. I asked stuffs like, "Do you wish to see me on your birthday" & "What if I suddenly come in front of you". To this she replied that she was more interested in the other guy and would not wish to be with me on the day. It was a cruel reply. I felt like returning back to Bangalore at the immediate moment but I knew it was too late for that I would have to meet her. 

I met her after around an hour. Our eyes met with blank expressions. I wanted to scream at her with all my might, but it was her birthday, she was 23. I stopped in between my travel from airport to the meeting place and customized a red rose bouquet with few flowers and a handful of rose petals. I took her to the roof of the meeting place (it wasn't allowed but we used to sneak there often) and showered the rose petals and greeted her with the rose bouquet and greeted Happy Birthday. She just smiled, there was no love in that smile.

I booked a table for two and before she could start anything, I simply asked - "What's my fault? Where am I wrong?". First she cried for quite some time. People around me started looking at me in curious ways, but I was least bothered. My life was shattering in front of my eyes. She said sorry countless times in between her cries. She settled after some time and then started describing the other guy, his looks, his personality, his blah, his blah. She was clearly smitten. But I was stubborn too. I would not let her go without any fight. The other guy in question did not have a great family background, nor had a great college history and mostly indulged in alcoholic drinks and Ganja (Cannabis drug, a form of Marijuana). I was the exact opposite of him. I reasoned with my girlfriend about the difference between me and him. About how she would have a better life and stability and family and prosperity being with me than being with him. But she argued every point. She took his side on every argument I presented. This went on and on for a long time. I came back to Bangalore next day. She came for a see-off, told me she is sorry that she wronged me and would like to be my "friend" forever.

Back at Bangalore, things were worse. Without even realizing, a week passed and my time for planned visit to Cuttack came, the time for family rendezvous. I cancelled all those plans. And while I was there, gave another unwilling try to revive our old relation. I spent time with her, visited old places we visited together before, talked about things. For a moment everything seemed normal and I quickly realized that this time though, she was spending time with a "friend". Things were obvious in her behavior but I tried not to burst out. Few days later, I came back to Bangalore, still unconvinced that she was no more mine, still unable to bring myself to the reality, still giving halfhearted tries, still wishing all these were part of a bad dream, still wishing that she would realize her mistake and would come back running to me. Alas, only blank wishes!

Anger

Few weeks after the denial phase, came the anger phase -- Why did she do this to me? Why did she have to do this to me? What made her do this to me? Why? But why? Whywhywhy??? I used to remain occupied most of time with these questions to myself. I used to remain angry most of the time. Weeks and weeks of sleepless nights spent with anger thoughts. I am usually a very relaxed and calm person and was surprised at the amount and the duration of anger I was capable of generating. Waves and waves of subsequent anger. During these times, we used to talk occasionally. I used to keep the conversations short for the fear of me bursting out at her. I still cared for her, dunno why, dunno how, but I did.

Grief

Just when it seemed anger is set to leave me, the grief was ready and waiting to hit me. The questions which presented itself in angry form suddenly took a grieving form and started bothering me again. But this time, the questions were directed towards myself. What did I do? What did this happen to me? Where was I wrong? I was sad. I was unhappy most of the time. I didn't enjoy anything at all. Again, I spent weeks of sleepless nights. I was out of energy. At times, I found myself drifting towards her thoughts. At times, I couldn't control myself and called her up. Only to be rendered more grieving after the call. It was agonizing, it was painful. It drained me of all the good things I had.

But as is said, every bad thing is followed by good things. My process of job switch was still on. And suddenly, I was able to pull off an amazing interview and landed an amazing job at Bangalore. 

On the day of joining, She demanded a meeting. I was undecided but I couldn't deny her. I met her for 10-15 mins and then left citing office work, but in reality I was free. Seeing her face was too much for me. It was unbearable. 

The same night, I tried to take another attempt. Don't know why this thought wandered into my mind. Maybe after seeing her face in person drove me into this desperation. Anyway, I called her up, asked her to forget everything, all past, all troubles, and come over to start afresh. Start a new phase of our relationship in a new city, with new hopes, with new beginning. She denied, citing she was already in a relationship. But she would be eager to remain friends with me. I disconnected the call immediately. It was stupid thing to ask and I felt anger over my own stupidity and self respect. 

I got back into the cycle of anger and grief over a period of next few days. My awesome job, in my favorite city, amongst my closest childhood friends with awesome salary. None of them were able to make me happy. I was deprived of the ability to feel happy.

Acceptance

My period of worst phase was long. But long is not infinite. That's why the two words are different. My office had a branch in Delhi as well. And I discovered an open position in Delhi. I considered all the possibilities against my mental state and decided to apply for that position. It was just 2 weeks I had left Bangalore but suddenly I felt eager for that position. Something told me things would get fine if I get back to Bangalore. It was an urgent opening. I applied for it and it got approved immediately. I got all packed up and left Delhi. On that night, before boarding the inter-city bus, I sent her a text notifying about my decision. And switched off my mobile.

I reached Bangalore the next morning and felt a sudden freshness. It was the same city I had known for 1.5 years. I opened my cell and saw missed calls from her. She was little upset about me leaving Bangalore suddenly and wanted to "talk". 

( A little background info. I am a very resourceful person. Maybe not too much in terms of monetary but in being informative and getting this done. I helped her a lot in college, helped her in placements and numerous uncountable other things. I was everything for her.).

Anyway, she called me up and we did talk. She was surprised about my sudden move back to Bangalore and wanted a reason. She kept on blabbering about how she always wanted me to be friend. And would hate me going away from being friend. She felt little insecure about suddenly losing her resource pool. On a rather funny note, midst of all these talks, I asked in a sarcastic way if she needs me because I am very valuable, to which she said yes. (Yeah!).

I felt powerful for the first time in over 6 months. And I felt myself smiling for the first time, though in a very evil way.

Moving On

I wanted to capitalize on this very nascent change. I felt little energetic on a miniature level. The Anger-Grief cycle was still inside me, but I needed something to vent out. I realized that more I kept myself occupied, the less my mind wandered to old thoughts. I was in need of new stuffs, new activities, new engagements.

I reached office and saw a Table Tennis(pong) board. I never held a TT bat in my life but that day, I took up a playful session. I chose TT to be my distraction.  I found it a great way to went out build up energy and negative thoughts inside me. I found running very captivating for me. Few months after that, I ran my first 5K at Bangalore marathon. 



Sometime in between, I took up Gym classes for a couple of months. It was a nice experience. 

A new visit every couple of months. So much that I exhausted all the possible excursion places in south of India.

I got back to my reading hobby.

And about my ex, she desperately wanted to retain contact with me. But now, I called the shots. The ball was in my court. I declined any sort of communication. I rejected calls. The human mind remembers things. And certain events, certain scenarios have power to trigger dormant memories. Her voice had that power. I was aware of this and wanted to avoid the scenario at all costs. Out of sight, out of mind actually works.

...................................................................................................................

The ending part might seem to be very easy but it was not. It took more than an year for me to get out of my break up completely. I experienced true love. She was the everything for me and things which happened over 3.5 years took their time to ward off from the mind. I grew closer to my family. I had immense support from my sister and my ex's sister. Might seem strange but its true. I am still in good contact with my ex's family. They still like me. Maybe the bridge between me and my ex's family was built because of her. But it strengthened solely on mutual communication and behaviour. I value human interaction and decided to retain contact with ex's family. Of course, she is always pissed off whenever she discovers I paid a visit to her family. But now it's my time to enjoy. 

I blocked her on fb and mails. She tried numerous ways to keep info on my whereabouts. She communicated with my close friends and kept the communication line open with them. But I was least perturbed and told my friends not to give any info about her to me. I am sure she fb stalks using a different profile. But eh, should I be concerned? Ignorance is bliss!!!

It has been long years since my breakup. And I have not been with a woman again, yet. Was it true love? Yes. Have I moved on? If it means being least concerned about my ex? Yes. If it means forgetting her? No-The brain has capabilities to retain memory, it doesn't forget. The memories fade away only with time, but they work according to what  you want. If you want to think about past, the memories remains stronger. If you are occupied elsewhere, they start fading. Anywhere I see the mention of her name, the old memories try to come out of the sealed box and devour me. But my will power is much stronger now to ward them off. I think this fight will go till eternity, and I will always be victorious.

The breakup is a rich life experience. The wisdom cannot be gained unless experienced. It helps you get a clear picture of life. It helps you identify people better. Not only it helps you to have a better relationship next time, but it gives you a chance to make yourself a better person. The period of breakup-move on varies from person to person. But at the end, you will come off as a much better person. Don't worry if are in a breakup, feel happy that a better version of you is waiting on the horizon. 

Life is too short to remain dejected over a breakup. Get the hell out of the room. The world actually rocks!

Whereabouts?

I have moved back to Bangalore lately. So, here I am surrounded by my awesome job, in my favourite city, amongst my closest childhood friends with awesome salary. And I am enjoying every bit of it. I have taken my globetrotting taste to a whole new level. A new visit every couple of months has been transformed into a new visit every couple of weeks. How do I manage holidays? Well, the Gods must be crazy on me. :)

About my ex. Where is she? Is she still with the same guy? I don't know. And it doesn't bother or matter. It's my time to enjoy.

Similar experiences?

Nothing feels relevant at the moment. The job, the education, the world, everything feels useless, as if we were preparing and tackling the world only because of the existence of the other person. Only because we want to be with the other person and need preparations for survival. And now since the other person has gone, there is no use to be that concerned. Self managing could be easily done with humble needs.

The moving on takes it's intended time depending on an individual. However, there are mechanisms which can pace up the process of moving on. The out of sight, out of mind is really important. We have to cut up our ex through social media and mail chats. In my case, after the break up, I kept reading our old chat conversations, mail exchanges and picture views. And a part of me use to die daily. Until one day, when I could take it no more, I deleted all mails, all chats, all pictures and blocked her on social media circles. And then I regretted for not doing the move earlier. We all have mutual friends. We have to make them understand to not give info on ex's whereabouts to us. The less we know about the person, the faster we would move on.

That is just one step. Next is, we need involvements. Take up a new hobby, a new sport we always wanted to play. Maybe a marital art, or swimming or learning to drive, or taking up a musical instrument. There is never an age to learn a new thing. Start a thing today we always wanted to do yesterday.

Another way is to blow up a part of our savings. . Most of us are young and have our whole life to earn money. Probably, we would end up getting fat checks in distant future. But our present needs us more. It needs attention, not our future. Blowing up double digit sums of money on something we always wanted to do will not only take our attention from the void, it will always infuse a new adrenaline into our body. Spending always works.

Make time for society. Give them back what we received. Visit orphanage or old homes or join a teaching trust. Believe me, most of us think financial help is the only way they can be helped. And since we don't have much at the moment, we can't help them. Incorrect. Volunteering plays a big role too. Giving part of our time to them cheers up their day in ways we can never imagine. In turn, it will cheer up our soul too. Be a part of blood donation camps. Most of us are too lazy to do it, although we are perfectly fit. And hundreds of people lose their life because of shortage of blood, which arose from our laziness. I have been part of blood donations for some time. And it boosts up my self worth amazingly. 

Make time for family. Go visit your home. Most of us leave our home since graduation. And family time is never the same after that. If you are in college, bunk the week. If you are working, take the week off. Make your parents happy before you regret you never had the time.

Read novels. They keep our mind occupied and prevent it from flashing back old memories. Book recommendation threads are abundant in Quora. Avoid watching romantic movies and listening to romantic songs for some time. And of course, don't take up romantic novels. :P

These are just a handful of things I felt I should have done earlier to make a faster move on. You folks could customize and tailor make it to your desires/lifestyle.

The phase is like a disease, like a viral fever, you know you would get better, but you don't know when.

Have patience, stay strong and look towards yourself. Wishing all the folks a speedy recovery.

Life is too short to remain dejected over a breakup. Get the hell out of the room. The world actually rocks!